Dal, bikinis and coke - oh my!

Everyone who knows me, knows I love watching TV, and have always wanted to work in media. I have flirted with working there, but have not quite got there yet.

Well, my team needed to spend yesterday screening TV channels to understand where we should advertise and where we could get max bang for our marketing bucks.

The scene: An under-renovation office of our media-buying agency.
The protagonists: 3 startup marketing folks + 2 media buyers
The target: 8 TV channel groups representing 12 TV channels in total
The hook: Our next TV spends

We all sat on one side of a long table, ready to poke, prod and interrogate the TV channel folks who would sit on the other side of the long table. The stale smell in the air, the moderately lit room - it all conjured up images of a KGB interrogation.

H (in a commanding tone): "Sit down, Mr. TV channel guy!"
TV Channel guy: "Sure thing, Mr. H. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have always wanted..."
H (in a condescending tone): "Yeah, yeah, whatever...now lets get down to brass tacks!"
H (after ominous pause): "I want a gazillion exposures of my 30s commercial. I want this for near nothing. And you will give it to me! Why? Because I damn well say so!"

Team after sorry team took the hot seat and were subjected to this line of discussion. We were particularly harsh on the ones who seemed overly (or unreasonably) cocky! This is what happens to big co. execs who come to the negotiation table with a team from a startup, and for once the bargaining chips (i.e. money) are on this side of the table.

"Muhahahahahaha!"

Sorry, but I felt the scene called for an evil laugh.


That is not to say that some did not get away from our harsh line of "negotiation". There were exceptions of course. My fav channel is Discovery T&L, and when they walked in, yours truly was not harsh at all. Heck, I was too busy trying to whack their programming guide. What a beaut!

Another tragic incident came around lunchtime. We had been going non-stop for 4 hours and had met 5 tough teams. Lunch had finally arrived and was brought into the conf. room. Just as we marvelled at the 20 odd containers of oily dal, greasy veggies, rotis and pulao, one of our media buyers pounced. Now, this chappie has been often at the wrong end of our price negotiations. He took this opportune moment to exact an unusually cruel revenge.

He brought in one of the key TV channel teams, just as our team dug into the chow. There we were...oily dal spilling all over the table, mouths full of chewy rotis and totally incapable of properly introducing ourselves to the "victims", leave alone question them. What a deft move, and that too by our own media buyer. Nice!
Well, we slobbered through the nego, and I think we might actually still do business together. Not our finest moment.


We were on a roll by now, and had mastered some of our stories. Like any day of serial-meetings, we soon could not stand the $hit coming out of our mouths. We had this one line "We are like coke & pepsi. Don't put us in the same channel band as our competition!" This line had been repeated ad nauseum, and by evening, we were in splits every time the line was uttered. Lord alone knows what the folks in the by now not-so-hot seat were thinking. It was probably something like this -

TV channel person: So, we think we could slip you into slot XYZ and sponsor program ABC...
Someone on our team: We must mention that we....well, we are like in a very competitive market...(snickering begins)....
Our team continues: ...We see ourselves, well, honestly..quite like Coke & Pesi (loud snickering all around)
TV channel team (looking confused by the snickering, and probably thinking "These startup people are so immature, but damn they have SO MUCH VC money"): Sure, sure, we will keep this in mind. Can we then get your entire TV budget?
Our team: That's some good stuff you're smoking. Why the heck would we wanna do that? (by this point, all on this side of the table are laughing and back-slapping).

Anyway, fortunately, everyone there was after OUR cheque-books, so I guess - no harm, no foul.

The final straw came with TV channel team #8. They had done a decent job pitching their growing channel, and we had explained the types of programs we want to associate with. We all seemed to be headed in the same direction until this happened.

H: So, I think we have explained that we would like to be associated with serious programming and nothing too frivolous. We are a small brand and need to be careful in protecting the overall brand image. What program would you recommend?
TV channel dude (looking very serious): I think the last 20 mins have helped me understand you well. I recommend you sponsor "Bikini babes", our progr.....
Our media buyer (busily pushing the guy out of the room): No fit, no fit here...
H (ripping up the dude's biz card): Hey, thats show biz. One minute you're in, the next you're out on your a$$. (I probably thought of myself as a casting director just after the last candidate had a royal goof-up)

Well, that pretty much summed up the day. Every major TV channel in India met us in the dingy conference room. Some were smart, some not so much. Some captivating, and some induced a snorefest.

The only thing that kept me sane on such a long day was my imagination. It reminded me that I need to be grateful. Grateful that my life truly is a cartoon strip. Everything has a tinge of humour and that allows me to laugh off days like this. Its just difficult sometimes to tell what really happened, and what part my mind conjured up!