K-R-I-S-H-N-A-N you twit!

For a married (and not available) guy like me, its always a surprise when one discovers not one or two girls, but 3 entire categories of chicks seemingly cannot get enough of you.

Until very recently, these hot mamas were of only 2 categories:

1. Dont you just need my credit card, big daddy? AND
2. You no pay ure bill, naughty boy!

Category 1 is a gaggle of humanoid robotic chicks. Their sole aims in life are
a) Reciting an over-rehearsed line of incomprehensible gibberish at unimaginable speeds
b) To get a 5inch x 3inch piece of plastic into your wallet.

Surely you want a credit card? You already have a gold card? Why not a silver card to boot? Silver is the new gold...
You have more plastic on you than you care to remember? Surely your missus or mummy or daddy or 3rd cousin twice removed could do with some plastic loving? C'mon big daddy....

No sooner have you disconnected on robo-moron than you are subjected to the punishing attack of category 2.

These amazing chickies are more hungry and ornery than a pack of hungry hyenas. God forbid you are 1 minute late in paying your credit card bill. Pay up, pay up now, pay up i say!

Their onslaught is all encompassing and covers HOW, WHEN, WHERE and WHAT you are going to pay. They bring the WHY. You pay now or else... we will call back. And call back. And call back. And call back....aint no Energizer bunny got the battery life to match this juggernaut.

Well, my fan club has now swelled and I have added another category of fans:

3. Pay your bill soon or my cuz hyenawoman (read: cat2) be in touch soon, plasticman!

Me: Hello? (Unsure, bracing for a Cat1 caller)

Cat3 broad: Kya mein Hari Krishan se baat kar rahi hoon? (Am I speaking to Hari Krisan?)

Me: No. You're speaking to Hari Krishnan, dimwit! What do you want?

C3b: Hari Kisan ji, mein XXXXbank se ABC bol rahi hoon. Do din mein aapki credit card number XXXX ki bill due hai.... (Mr. Hari Kisan, I am ABC calling from XXXbank. In 2 days, the bill for your credit card numbered XXX is due...)

Me: Thats, Hari Krishnan numbnuts....not Kisan... I know the bill is due in 2 days and I will pay. Why the heck are you calling me in advance?

C3b: Kya aap cash ya cheque se pay karenge? (Will you pay by cash or cheque?)

Me: Net banking (Thinking:Lets close this out with minimum vocal usage)

C3b: Confirm karne ke liye mein kab call karoon? (When should I call to confirm?)

Me: Call me again and I will hunt you and every distant relative you have down like the herd of swine that you are!

C3b: Have a good day, Mr. Krishna

Me: *CLICK* (To self: How the f%^& did she speak fluent English on that farewell greeting?)


Clearly, these girls cannot get enough of me. Day or night, rain or sunshine, I can count on them calling to hear my voice. Not a day goes by without atleast five of them offering respects at the altar of me! Sigh, I count the minutes till the next call...hold on a minute, is that the phone I hear ringing? Coming, dearie.

Driving me batty

Drivers in India are a must-have support staff and a clear example of the cliche - Cant live with them, cant live without em.

Since returning to India, M and I have managed to understand that we are basically going to have a revolving door of drivers, who will drive us when it pleases them and drive us crazy because it pleases them!

Our analysis of this curious type of employees has yielded the following categories:

1. Dumber than the average doorknob:

We have been blessed with a few of these including our latest "stud". They drive you crazy with their daily quizzing "should I take this route?", "Where is that?" etc etc. They apparently have no skills required for the job except the fact that they can drive a stick shift (in most cases).

Why dont they get it - I dont give a flying falafel what route you take, just getting me to the *bleeping* church on time!
And guess what, you dont need to ask me the same question daily - buy a goddamn dictaphone, record my answer and play it to yourself daily if it stokes your fire. Just drive and stop the inane jabber.
For more details, check my earlier post on the legendary Sekar.

Likely result: You blow a gasket and take their head off and end up in jail for 1st degree murder + mutilating a mutilated corpse!

2. I'm Einstein yet I'm driving your car:

This category of smart alecs believe they know everything. Any advice results in a tart response "I know that". They are quick to give you advice on raising kids, investing money, driving anything from a moped to a battle tank AND my personal fav - how to treat women!
Yet these geniuses are not solving world hunger - they are driving my damn car.
Get a clue, morons - you dont know jack. And whatever you do know is wrong. Shut your pieholes and drive!

Likely result: You fire their sorry asses with a long condescending and arrogant lecture. You feel happy to have been a bada saab (big boss) and are now left driverless again. Then just to top it off, you kill them anyway - damn schmucks!

3. I'm so connected, I make Facebook look like a nuclear family:

These bright boys thrive on their networking skills. They know every traffic cop, mechanic, peon and cab driver south of Siberia. They know where every bada saab works and claim to know how much every single person in the uber-mega-network earns. They do manage to back the claims by seemingly knowing a wide range of people, and get all your dirty work done without you wanting to know HOW it got done.

Likely result:Useful chaps but they are also called "2 monthers". That is their average work-span before they use the aforementioned network to move on to greener pastures. No killing here - a silent disappearance.

4. Its all in the family:

This applies to drivers who are Tamil, Bihari or Maharashtrian. They love to hang with other drivers who speak their own language. They form mini gangs with these buddies and wile away time playing cards, cracking jokes and ignoring calls from pesky bosses. Their view - Why do those damn chaps want to call me now? Why cant they just us be? Cant they see this cup of tea in my hand?

As their employer, one needs to be grateful if they show up at all and dont give you lip. Between the society complaining about your dude being the gang leader and chief troublemaker, and you being forced to let him return to his village for between 1-6 months at a time, employing this chappie is an entertainment guarantee!

Likely result: You gather up your own posse, lynch your driver. Then hunt down his gang like the pack of wilderbeest that they are, and slaughter them all at the card table. Very Godfather, very dramatic.

And finally.....

5. I'm here to learn offroad driving:

This category of learner drivers, typically of lower age and even lower patience, will drive your vehicle as if they are a cross between a Himalayan rally driver and the little old lady at the driving school. Mashing your transmission as best they can, they will scratch the under-carriage on every pavement, rock or rough surface they can find.
The sheet metal will be even worse off. Leaving traces of your paintjob all over the city's vehicular traffic, they will bring the car home looking 10 yrs older. Ever ready with a "sorry sir" for every mistake, this joker will cost you money, peace of mind and a drivable vehicle.

Likely result: You will kill him, the car and finally yourself!

So you see my friends, you have two choices:
1. Drive yourself and kill yourself from traffic frustration.
2. Hire a driver and end up killing him and eventually yourself.

Either way rage, frustration and and a bloody end awaits somebody. Its time for me to hire the next moron!

Crazy Sequels we want to see!

The last few months have generated a number of hit movies which seem to cry out for sequels. Some glaringly obvious, others not so much - either way, I'm sure you guys will beat down the doors to view these gems on the big screen.

With no further build up, here are the top 4 sequels we will likely receive:

1. Jodhaa Akbar 2: The revenge of Birbal

Am I alone in saying that I have never read a single story about Akbar without his wittier sidekick Birbal in tow? Well, there are reasons why this sequel must happen. In movie 1, Akbar is still becoming the legendary emperor - no "jewels" in his court, and only one wife.

One wife??? Jodhaa had no idea what was gonna hit her. Akbar lined up a veritable army of wives to follow his supposed "love". I cannot see that going down well with ol' feminist Jodhaa.


The storyline:
Akbar is now a proud emperor. A court full of duffers and Birbal, and a harem full of wives.
Jodhaa is furious at becoming just one among Akbar's team of wives. She seeks to humiliate him the way he humiliated her. Birbal too is frustrated by the lack of advancement opportunities. He seems to have hit a ceiling.
They take revenge the only way they know - by way of a steamy affair. All in front of Akbar. He takes them to task, but Birbal responds as only he can. He asks Akbar "How many crows in Agra ate my famous khichadi?". With Akbar left scratching his head, Birbal runs off with Jodhaa again.
Watch the movie for all the twists and turns. A laugh-a-minute riot!

2. Saawariya 2 : New spawn of actors, violet this time, smaller towels.

Not content with having subjected countless hapless souls to the indigo original, Mr. "I'm full of myself" Bhansali returns with a new violet-hued epic. Having spent all his money painting all the sets, extras and scenery violet (has he heard of camera filters?), he again he casts the kids of former actors. The way I see it, he gets two benefits: 1. They are lighter on the wallet than the "real thing". 2. Maybe their parents will provide free PR in support of their progeny.

This time around, he manages to unearth yet another Deol as his lead actor. He looks, dances, acts and emotes just like Sunny bhaiyya. Yikes! And the saddest part, the famous towel scene uses only a hand towel this time around. (Did he have to cut budgets in that one item?).

The actress is the daughter of a yesteryear vamp. She was dancer #3 in the 5th song of "Namak Halal".

A must-miss - avoid it in cinemas, on DVDs, VCDs, pirated VHS or downloads. You will thank me!

3. OSOSSO: The hidden story.

Om Shanti Om Shanti Shanti Om. Just like the original, the emphasis is on stars, clothes, music and guest appearances in this 7.5hr long teeth-puller.

SRK returns, but this time he has a 12-pack (yes, I believe that is possible... on celluloid).

The storyline:

In the 10 mins that Om & Shanti share together in the soon to be burnt studio, they somehow consummate their friendship. Before Shanti is burnt to a crisp, she somehow gives birth to a daughter. (Dont ask, storyline is not a strong point).

Played by an overweight Rakhi Sawant, the daughter is so obese that her dad gives her not one, but two names, Shanti Shanti. She romances the new Om, and they have a son. They name him - you guessed it, OM.

With this incredible creativity in naming, the movie is set to be mind-numbing. Pray to the Lord and he may make the reel jam. That would be the only way you come out of this marathon in one piece. 20 songs litter this epic, and they are the highpoint!

4. Rocky 7: Feet & Eyesight are for girly men!

Lest you believe that Bollywood is the only offender when it comes to inane sequels, allow me to introduce you to the worst offender - Sly Stallone.

In Rocky 4 a past his peak Rocky somehow concots a victory against 10-ft tall Dolph Lundgren. In Rocky 5, he is retired and yet out punches a super-fit Tommy Gunn. In Rocky 6, he is even older and beats the current champ.

Well, soon to be released Rocky 7 takes the cake.

The storyline:

Rocky is retired and wheelchair-bound in an old age home. His wife, Adrian, has left him for their insurance salesman. Their son is in his 40s - fat, balding and gay (finally, he comes out). Rocky has severe cataracts in the left eye and glaucoma in the right eye.

One day, Rocky is watching reruns of Friends, when for no apparent reason, the current heavyweight champ challenges Rocky to a "winner takes all" match for big bucks and the title, in Vegas.

Well, the fat gay son dusts off the old tape with "Eye of the Tiger", attaches Rocky's wheelchair to the rear bumper, and drives him through a Philly snow-storm. 30 mins later, Rocky is fighting fit - except for the legs & eyes of course.

After getting pounded for an eternity, Rocky somehow makes a comeback and wins.

I guess it helps if you are the Writer, Producer, Director, Actor and sole Viewer.

Well, that is the list of the most likely crazy sequels for the year ahead. I am unlikely to see any, other than the Birbal one (always had a soft spot for that guy). If you guys do catch OSOSSO or any of the others, drop me a line with the review. God be with you!

Beard of "experience"

Antara and I gaze at our reflections in the mirror. I realize that the whites of her eyes are a pristine white with not a blood vessel in sight – good! But what surprises me is the sight of my own eyes. The whites are really “Off whites”, distinctly so, and remind me of my childhood. My father and I did very much the same thing – gaze at our reflections. I remember proudly telling him – “Appa, my eyes are nice and white. Why are yours so yellow and tired? Why don’t you use some toothpaste?” Hmmm, the tide has turned…

I am nearing a very significant age. Soon I will not be able to check the box that says "25-29 years". I near the feared 3-0. Symbolic representation of the end of childhood and the start of maturity??? WTF - are you sure you want to give ME this certificate??

We recently had some close friends over for Christmas dinner. The last significant vacation we took with them was a brilliant road-trip around Brittany & Normandy. We were 4 folks out on the road, gulping wine by the liter, enjoying crepes and making plans at the flip of a coin. This time around, they brought their 10 month old daughter to meet us. We had a 5 month old and a 10 month old dictate tempo all evening. Another sign of age?

Well, interestingly, we still managed to polish of a bottle of Sula Chenin Blanc. We had a great time. Also the night before had 25 people partying hard in our living room, while Pebbles snored it up in our bedroom. Margaritas, mulled wine, baked veggies, hummus & pita, pasta salad...yum! A great time and a lot of drunk people.

I guess I have found that life continues and even peaks in the 30s. You see, I can now afford many luxuries I couldn't at 20 or 25. I also live completely on my terms. As for childhood, I spend every morning and night singing "Old King Cole" and "Teddy Bear Picnic". That childhood enough for ya?

I tell M that I will hit my absolute peak sometime in the coming decade, and my gym-battered body would tend to agree. An interesting job, the best "work-life balance" i have enjoyed in my career so far, a strong marriage, a delightful baby, it seems I have all the big check boxes semi-ticked (never jinx it by saying "ticked").

I seem to be partying as hard as I can remember (not counting the ridiculous year at INSEAD of course), and with a mix of friends from abroad and dudes/dudettes in town, the parties are so much more fun these days.

Oh - and another thing - age does not kill wanderlust. I still ache to get my passport stamped in a country where they barely speak english. But I have promised M that our next trip has to be deeper exploration of L'Inde.

A friend recently asked me - Whats with this beard you have these days?
My answer - Just trying to look my age.

One things for sure - the babyfaced casanova ain't so much a baby any more.

Redoing the Tag - The Famous Five take 2

On being scolded by the tagger, I am redoing my assignment.

The famous five TAKE 2:

A. Five things in my room:

1. My pillow - its mine, flat and just the right firmness. A slight change and I wake up with a stiff neck.
2. My bottle of water - i cannot sleep without it by my side. Need my hydration!
3. My wife - may object to being "objectified", but I need her there.
4. A pen under the bed - dont know why, but there is always a pen that has rolled off under the bed.
5. A good fan - If I dont feel breeze, I just cant sleep.

B. Five things in my bag:

1. My laptop - never know when you need to IM, blog or check email.
2. Breathmint - this allows me to have garlic for lunch before the important meeting :)
3. 2-3 USB keys - Always carry memory with you.
4. Business cards - Never know when a good contact comes by.
5. Spare pens - Just in case the one under the bed goes missing.

C. Five things in my wallet:

1. My drivers licence - Need that always.
2. Pics of my girl and my baby.
3. Moolah
4. Credit cards - make me feel rich until the monthly statement cometh.
5. Medical card - in case something morbid happens, you know my blood type and other issues.

Phew. Hope its alright now??

Tagged - The Famous Five Tag

Well, a second tag for me. The "famous five" tag (the way i read it) can mean anything in quantities of 5 which is meaningful to me.

My top 5 favourite movie characters:

1. Kaiser Soze (from "The Usual Suspects" - played by Kevin Spacey - absolute classic role)
2. General Maximus (from "Gladiator" - played by Russel Crowe - scarily powerful)
3. Michael Corleone (from "Godfather" - played by Al Pacino - cool yet vicious)
4. The Bride (from "Kill Bill" - played by Uma Thurman - super sexy & violent)
5. Mufasa (from "The Lion King" - played by James Earl Jones - a true leader)

My top 5 favourite food dishes:

1. Puliyodhare (Tamil dish - this was not even close!)
2. Veg. burnt chilly fried rice
3. Rajma Masala
4. Sambar
5. Spaghetti/Penne Arrabiatta

Well, that was my attempt at it. Now, in fine tradition, i need to pass on the tag.

This tag is passed on to M (http://mayahariglow.blogspot.com)
& Pri (http://priyankka.blogspot.com)

Sawadee ka!

"Sawadee khhhhaa" sing out the chorus of salespeople at Zara. All of them bow and fold their hands, in synch.

Coming from a country which also follows a similar tradition of bowing heads and greeting with folded hands, I realise some subtle differences between home and our current holiday destination - Thailand. Here, seemingly every time you enter the air space of a Thai person, you trigger the "alarm" and they shoot out a friendly greeting of "Sawadee ka" (hello). This could be a great game for a cheeky kid (hehe).

Scene: 1 cheeky kid + 1 friendly Thai

Location: Any service location (Hotel, restaurant, store, spa, airport, etc.)

"Lights, camera, action!"

Cheeky kid enters stage left and shoots accidently into friendly Thai air space.

Thai: (Bowing and smiling) "Swaadeee Khhhhhaaaa"

Kid: ???

Brat drifts a bit out of friendly air space. He then decides to try out his evil plan...he drifts slowly back into shooting distance of the Thai.

Thai: (Bowing and smiling identically to the first time): "Swadeee Khaaaa"

Kid:

Kid exits and partially re-enters the kill zone.

Thai: (3rd time a charm?): "Swaade.."

Kid leaves the zone...only to re-enter.

Thai (Thinking: "I hate kids"): "Swaa.."

And thus continues this horrible game..

I can truly see this happening. You see, i believe the Thais are THAT committed to service and seemed very, very friendly indeed. In central Bangkok, this is almost to a fault. An old INSEAD friend would always cry out "Sawaaadeeee Kaaaaa" when he started a story on one of his adventures in Thailand. I now get it!

Not to say that we are dealing with saints. We heard horror stories about Thai prisons, and God knows that Muay Thai (Thai kick-boxing) is seemingly reserved for men with cast-iron noses and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

But, all in all, Thais know how far service can go to building repeat clientele. They also know how to serve tourists like no where else in Asia. Tours of the Grand Palace in fluent Spanish, French, German, Mandarin & Japanese + Overall friendly atmosphere + Liberal mix of eastern influences & western indulgences = A great vacation!

As with all great stories, there is a caveat. And this one's a doozy. "Lady boys". WTF????

These cross-dressing wonders have befuddled single middle-aged white males for decades. What starts out as a great catch - a young, lissome exotic oriental babe who seems to like me inspite of my lack of hair, class or "a life" - turns out to be a shocking surprise. These "ladies" are thai boys who expertly disguise their manhood.

One night with one of these dude(ette)s will give more than a lifetime of memories (or shall we call them nightmares). :).

The questions you folk need to answer for me are:

1. How do you hide your Adam's apple?

2. How does a fairly conservative society have this practice so openly followed? I even saw school kids with one young boy wearing a skirt and with long hair (trust me, it was a boy!)

With 25% of the Thai GDP coming from various versions of the sex trade, I guess this land of service and hospitality does provide quite a few with a "happy ending". But, remember the old adage - sometimes things that appear too good to be true, are just that!!

Swaaadeeee Khhhaaaaaaaaa, all!