Father of the babe is me

Easily the most life-changing event of my life. M and I became parents in the most dramatic fashion.

The scene: A typical friday morning

The protagonists:

1. M (on her way to appointment #2,345,678 with the Gynaec)

2. The gynaec (a "to the point" lady who we really respect)

3. Hari (at a board meeting trying to impress board members)

4. Pebbles (the heroine who was on her way)

Lights....camera....ACTION!

With about 10 mins to go for my turn in front of the board, M sends me an SMS "Its happening now. I am being admitted now. Please come soon."

HVK: "Whaaa???"

With his brain whizzing, Hari calls M and confirms the news. The baby is locked and loaded. She is on her way out. OMG!

With his brain in this mode, Hari proceeds to meet the much-feared "board". With his mind in lala land, he commits the impossible, smiles at every blow dished out and bows in theatrical fashion to conclude a very average board meeting. Making his excuses, he sprints out the conf. room and dashes for the car.


HVK(on phone): "Sekar - bring the car around...pronto!"

Sekar: "Enna Saaar??" ("What sir?")

HVK: "Car...bring...now!"

Sekar: "Ess saar....grympalagog" ("Yes sir...grympalagog (undecipherable nonsense)")


HVK with crazy Sekar at the wheel dashes to Lilavati Hospital.
M is 2cms dilated (gory details always on this blog), and is beginning to experience the much-hyped "contractions".
WTF Hari, why are you not there yet??? I know why, ol' "Left Sekar Leffft" is at the wheel.

HVK: "Faster Sekar...its urgent"

Sekar: (stoic silence)

HVK: "STEP ON IT, YOU DIRECTION-IMPAIRED LUNATIC. A TRAINED MONKEY COULD GET ME THERE FASTER!"

Sekar: "Right edthukunoman?" ("Do i need to take a right?")

HVK: "(bleep) you (bleep)"

Sekar: "Why didn't you say that in the first place, crazy man?"

We reached around 1pm and found M calm and checked in to the 11th floor super-duper extra-primo luxury floor of Lilavati. (note to self: must nego for raise on Monday)

Then begins the wait!

TIME: 2PM

Gynaec: "M is dilated but no progress...see you in 2 hours."

M: "Its beginning to hurt..."

Gyny: "And so it should. See you in 2 hrs. Nurse - do the NST every 10 mins until i say stop"

(Break for explanation:
NST: Stress test to check if the contractions result in the baby progressing down the delivery canal.
End of break.)

TIME: 4PM

Gyny: "M has made marginal progress but still a few hrs to go. Normal delivery still poss. Lets not rush."

M:"Thanks doc" (Thinking: I love this woman. So in control. No rush for C-section.)

Gyny: "Keep those NSTs going nurse. See you after my interview on TV."

TIME: 7PM

Exact same conversation as above.

TIME:9PM

And again.

TIME: 11PM

Gyny: "Ok, now we really need to ask ourselves - could we be doing something more fun. I know I could. I will give it till 2am. If you aint ready, we may have to move to option 2"

M:"Ok."

Gyny:"Nurse.."

Nurse:"Yeah, yeah, i know. Freakin NST."

TIME:2AM

Gyny:"M, Hari - I think the baby is healthy but tired. We need to get the li'l rascal out and we should not wait anymore. I am going to recommend emergency c-section"

M/HVK: "Okie doke." (Thinking: Pls let this go well)

TIME: 2.45AM

HVK(In changing room - thats right, I'm getting kitted up to go see my girl get cut up. ): "Where do I scrub in, doc? Where the f%^& are the face masks? Wheres Zack Braff when you need him?"

TIME: 3.10AM

Gyny (through surgi mask): "Come in Hari. M is prepped. You need to keep her calm."
HVK (stepping into real Op. theatre for 1st time & pretending to look brave): "Yes doc."
Gyny: "And Hari, you faint in there and I will post the video on YouTube."

HVK (sitting next to M's head as the surgery starts): "I love you M. Stay calm. Im here."

TIME: 3.25AM, Saturday, July 14, 2007, Lilavati Hospital 1st floor OT, Bandra(W), Mumbai, India.

Gyny: "Congratulations."

HVK: "Stay calm M. I'm he....whaaa already??"

HVK (standing up): "What is it? Boy or girl?"

Gyny:"Girl, of course"

HVK/M (with broad smiles on both faces):"Good!" (Thinking: Good, we didnt have a good boy name anyhow!)

Asst. Gyny (making tiny baby kiss M's face): "Here's your beautiful daughter!"

HVK: "Dont worry M. I will be here till they complete." (Thinking: I need a strategy to keep boys away from my baby girl. She's a looker and boys are baaaad)

TIME: 5.55AM, Back in the uber-luxury room. M is back, all sewed up and in recovery. M's mom looks relieved. HVK is exhausted and has managed to get out of his "scrubs".

HVK: "M, I would like to introduce you to your beautiful daughter - Antara. I will call her "Pebbles"."


So, that my friends is the story of Pebbles. Her entry into our lives, the 15 hours of labour her mom went through for her, and the story of how a hugely successful and confident MBA - me - became a nappy-changing, baby-butt-powdering, 3am lullaby singing, daddy of the babe!

(PS: Antara in Sanskrit means "From within. From the heart.")

(PPS: Pebbles in Sanskrit means absolutely nothing.)

The gentleman's game

Three of my favourite sports - all of which I have played at varied levels of seriousness - have a cool cliche that covers them

"Soccer is a gentleman's game played by ruffians, Rugby is a ruffians game played by gentlemen, Football (American) is a ruffians game played by ruffians..."

Cliches apart, Rugby is truly a gentlemens game. Having played, watched and studied this game, I now of the camaraderie within the game. Players, coaches, even refs will be at each others throats during the game and sharing a beer right after - in a refined manner of course ;-).

While in the US, i found it hard to find good rugby to watch on TV, but this changed at INSEAD. Getting a chance to play full contact rugby with a bunch of huge britishers, aussies and kiwis was a great challenge. Ok - I lied, the kiwi was pretty small actually, but the rest were big. One of the aussies was a coach and taught us non-rugby pros the skills of taking a bigger dude off his feet. The sheer joy of skillfully hitting someone and taking over the football is awesome!


Now, why am I reminiscing on these days past? I discovered Australia Network on TV and they have live rugby every weekend. Things only got better when I saw them showing live All Blacks rugby - yummy!!! Those kiwis and their ability to incessantly hit people, their intimidating haka upfront, and the flair of their pass-work are all things of beauty. The weekends are looking way up...for me at least.


The only downside is the risk of some collateral damage - watch out guys at work, I may line you up a good hit and then invoke the two golden rules of office life:

Rule#1: The boss is always right

Rule #2: If the boss is wrong, refer to rule #1. So, yeeeeeehaw!!!


Final shot: For those of you doubters out there, wondering when the f%^& did this dude dream that he actually played rugby, these 3 pics are for you. All my stories arent made up, after all :)



I just knocked the stuffing outta that brit:














Drinks for the winners:
















Scoring the winning try of our first round game of beach rugby in Singapore:

Planetary collision

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...so goes the cliche. Good thing too, 'cos Mars rulz!
But, I'm not so sure anymore....

With changing times, choices and preferences, the line between the societal roles fulfilled by men and women is blurring. Throw in some centuries old traditions, corporate policies struggling to cope, rapidly changing lifestyle and you see the pot-boiler which is the average urban Indian household. I say urban, as I am totally ignorant of the trends in rural India, and for no other reason.

Men in India are becoming Metrosexual and women are often "power chicks". DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) are pretty much the norm for most young households today. Women want so much more from their careers and men want more work/life balance. This is all fine except for one major problem - the societal, corporate and mental machinery in place needs to change.

If, nay when, i go to a spa, it is common to find treatments and timings for women. This is probably 80%+ of their Indian clientele. But, I am a massage whore and cant get enough of a good back rub. Very often the spa has to make changes or adjustments to accomodate a man. "Would you like a couple massage, sir?" is usually the helpful response. "Only if I get to have 2 massages!" is my response. I mean a guy going for a massage by himeself...wow!

When I went for a haircut recently (to my painfully pricey barber), I was pleasantly surprised to see a man getting a manicure and pedicure. But, before I could celebrate the emancipation of the Indian male, I recognized the dude. A famous Bollywood director. Everyone knows that separate rules apply to celebs. Sigh... But, patience Hari, patience. Just as I finished my session, a young college guy (not a model) walked in an decided to go in for a Rs.7000 hair treatment which would easily take away his entire afternoon and evening. Maybe there is hope....

My point is this - if a dude wants to take care of himself and pamper his ego, he should be allowed to do so. This aint the sole right of the housewife.

Example #2. My wife and I split all chores. She makes many financial decisions, and I often order the veggies. I reckon i'm the better (or atleast more fussy) cook. She clearly scores over me in maths. She would love to drive the car, and I must have a vote in selecting our household furniture. This aint a total role reversal, before you guys start rolling your eyes. She loves beautiful pictures and I love sports. But, the point is that many things are "reversed".

But, now we have a problem. My wife is pregnant and she gets a ton of maternity leave. Obviously! But, guess what - I need to be happy with much less. Its fair that we work for different companies, but the one thing I found most progressive in my previous employer was that they had the same length for maternity and paternity leave.

I plan to be a very involved father, but the systems in place wont make it easy. The thought is often "Dude, be involved, but a father should get less time off than the mother." Uh, huh. WTF?? I mean why??

If women can get equal pay and equal benefits, I want equal time to enjoy my baby. In western countries, these systems have evolved and many companies realise that dual-income couples need both parents to be able to "tag team" during all stages in life, including parenting.

We, in India, have a much better societal support system. Families help raise kids and young couples dont feel as isolated as in the west. However, some systems still need to evolve. It's assumed that my mom-in-law or mom will do the supporting role to M when I go back to earn the family bread. I would love for them to be involved, but lets be clear. I am the support system.

So, this means a need for change in mindsets, in HR policies, in corporate policies, and in society overall. As we move towards a balance of our historically joint families to nuclear couples, we need to find a good middle ground. This will take time, but the changes need to start happening soon.

I think its time for many people to realize a vital fact. The planets have collided and Mars & Venus dont look the same anymore.

Blink and you WILL miss it

I am a sports fan - I will watch pretty much anything - rugby, cricket, football, baseball, etc. I have had the privilege of watching several of these sports from inside a stadium. As any true sports fan will tell you, very often the best moments, the ones that build up the excitement and give you a true understanding of the sport, are the moments in between the actual action. Watching a rugby captain rally his team before the scrum, a football team waiting to enter the stadium, and then discussing strategy before kick-off or the on-field discussions between overs in a cricket match.

Well, Sony TV, with all their "official telecaster" money to recover went one step too far during the recently concluded Australia vs The Rest "World Cup". No sooner was the over be called, SONY swung into action educating us on the reasons why VISA would somehow affect our "Mind, Body, Heart & Soul". I mean - WTF???
It got worse. They come back from the break and see that the bowler has been switched and some new chap is practicing his bowling action. Immediatement, SONY gives us a dose of another brand or doubles up our VISA pleasure. We come back from this unwanted second break to see the bowler already reaching the crease (the entire runup has been missed). The ball is hurled towards the batsman who dodges it like a live handgrenade. We immediately get to enjoy a large banner across the top of the TV screen talking about how Bharatmatrimony.com will get us all married ASAP. This ad manages to cover the face of the batsman who was either grinning or mouthing an obscenity (so no idea if I should be happy or getting fired up). The bowler reaches his crease and hurls another grenade which is despatched from the field. An idiotic tiger leaps out, does a loud bhangra (can we pls hear some other kind of music) and starts dancing and screaming. No idea what the commentators are saying, no idea what the crowd is cheering. I know we have a retarded tiger dancing for his life on my screen. The ball takes more than 10secs to return to the field...so...off we go with VISA again "Min, body, a$$ and ....."

Goddammit..$hit...WTF...

I am a sports fan and I am a proud Indian. I love the fact that we have the richest, most powerful cricket board in the world. I (unlike the BCCI and some other whining ninny Indian "fans") dont care if Tendli promotes tires or Dada promotes Viagra. Good for them - Indians finally getting their due.

But, this is where we started losing control. The BCCI starts charging a hellish amount for the various series. People use unethical methods to win. They are forced to try and recover these funds and join in the moneyfest that is modern-day cricket. Cricketers and brands are seen everywhere and all the time. The ugly side of capitalism. I pray we gain control of it fast, before we sell our very souls.

But what SONY did was worse than anything I have seen anywhere. Even in Aussieland and the US (bastions of advertising driven sport), the sport and enjoyment of every second of it is sacred. You screw around with 1 second of a superbowl prep huddle before the game, and you will be staring at the business end of the mother of all lawsuits. Consumers want to see the game. If we see better quality TV (with more angles, etc.) because of all the money surrounding the game, good! But, dont take away the actual game.

I feel SONY should be fined and made to apologize to the Indian cricket fan. Regulation might be the only way to keep these greedy TV channels in check and forcing them to show us the damn game. This may work to push down what they are willing to pay for rights. This in turn may drive down BCCI revenues slightly, and push some of their ego down. But other than that I see no "negative" side effect.

Professional sports are entertainment for the masses. If we dont see the damn game, we are not entertained!!!! SONY - bad show. You managed to f$%^ up a pretty f'd up World Cup.

I pray that when India starts winning again, I can atleast see the look on Gilchrist's face when he is struck by a Zaheer bouncer. I pray for that with my "Mind, Body, Heart & Soul"

What kind of animal is an MBA?

I spent this week having several exhaustive career discussions - my own, my wife's and my sub-ordinates. This was Annual performance review week at my company and we all were judged for our performances and set ourselves nice unattainable goals for the year to come.

During this process, I spent a good time analyzing my career - the past, the present and the future. I also had a couple of discussions about my MBA and how it shaped me.

This most infamous of all degrees seems to carry a certain aura with it. The mere mention of it is sufficient to generate an emotion. Respect, awe and loathing seem to be the most common ones.

Being a passionate naturalist, I like to imagine people as animals. While many observers make the mistake of giving animals human-like emotions (eg. cunning like a fox), I go the other way. "Doesn't that man look like a mole-rat?" - a classic example of a question uttered by yours' truly resulted in a poor chap at my ex-company being labeled the "mole rat".

This week got me thinking about us MBAs. What animal best represents us? I did a very unscientific survey of some subjects who are VERY prone to bias and got some answers:
1. Tiger (because we are aggressive)
2. Hyena (because we pick on the weak)
3. Elephant (Because thats the size of our heads)
4. Peacock (because we prance around like them)
5. Salmon (because we always seem to be swimming in the wrong direction)

All, very interesting indeed....and in some cases, just a wee bit insulting.

However, I decided to examine my own classmates. They seemed to have the above characteristics all right. But they seemed to have something else in common. An emotion which is perhaps a result of the above characteristics. We are all RESTLESS.

All of us think we need to rule the world. We must be the next Arthur Keller (a little snooty inside joke for my fellow INSEADers out there - give it up for "ze Camembert" y'all). We jolly well better be running a big show and changing the world.

Sadly most of us aint in a position to match that expectation. So, we get restless. We move, and quite often, we move again. Within the company, outside the company, outside the country, outside the continent.... Time and again, we switch positions yearning for that perfect job. Many of us are very good at what we do, but it just never seems enough.

The challenge seems to be - curb your insatiable thirst for instant gratification, and show some damn patience! But damn-it-all....I know I am better than this!

So, this brings me back to my central point. We might be super-arrogant, aggressive, prancing, counter-current swimming hyenas, but in all reality there is only one creature which could be a perfect metaphor for an MBA.

Aw heck - we are nothing more than a swarm of butterflies! Flitting from one pretty flower to the next, in the never-ending quest for the perfect nectar. Sad though this might be, the arrogant MBA in me has two things to say:
1. This life is short (like a butterfly's) - we might as well enjoy the variety.
2. At least we made it to the butterfly stage and didn't get stuck as caterpillars!

Dal, bikinis and coke - oh my!

Everyone who knows me, knows I love watching TV, and have always wanted to work in media. I have flirted with working there, but have not quite got there yet.

Well, my team needed to spend yesterday screening TV channels to understand where we should advertise and where we could get max bang for our marketing bucks.

The scene: An under-renovation office of our media-buying agency.
The protagonists: 3 startup marketing folks + 2 media buyers
The target: 8 TV channel groups representing 12 TV channels in total
The hook: Our next TV spends

We all sat on one side of a long table, ready to poke, prod and interrogate the TV channel folks who would sit on the other side of the long table. The stale smell in the air, the moderately lit room - it all conjured up images of a KGB interrogation.

H (in a commanding tone): "Sit down, Mr. TV channel guy!"
TV Channel guy: "Sure thing, Mr. H. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have always wanted..."
H (in a condescending tone): "Yeah, yeah, whatever...now lets get down to brass tacks!"
H (after ominous pause): "I want a gazillion exposures of my 30s commercial. I want this for near nothing. And you will give it to me! Why? Because I damn well say so!"

Team after sorry team took the hot seat and were subjected to this line of discussion. We were particularly harsh on the ones who seemed overly (or unreasonably) cocky! This is what happens to big co. execs who come to the negotiation table with a team from a startup, and for once the bargaining chips (i.e. money) are on this side of the table.

"Muhahahahahaha!"

Sorry, but I felt the scene called for an evil laugh.


That is not to say that some did not get away from our harsh line of "negotiation". There were exceptions of course. My fav channel is Discovery T&L, and when they walked in, yours truly was not harsh at all. Heck, I was too busy trying to whack their programming guide. What a beaut!

Another tragic incident came around lunchtime. We had been going non-stop for 4 hours and had met 5 tough teams. Lunch had finally arrived and was brought into the conf. room. Just as we marvelled at the 20 odd containers of oily dal, greasy veggies, rotis and pulao, one of our media buyers pounced. Now, this chappie has been often at the wrong end of our price negotiations. He took this opportune moment to exact an unusually cruel revenge.

He brought in one of the key TV channel teams, just as our team dug into the chow. There we were...oily dal spilling all over the table, mouths full of chewy rotis and totally incapable of properly introducing ourselves to the "victims", leave alone question them. What a deft move, and that too by our own media buyer. Nice!
Well, we slobbered through the nego, and I think we might actually still do business together. Not our finest moment.


We were on a roll by now, and had mastered some of our stories. Like any day of serial-meetings, we soon could not stand the $hit coming out of our mouths. We had this one line "We are like coke & pepsi. Don't put us in the same channel band as our competition!" This line had been repeated ad nauseum, and by evening, we were in splits every time the line was uttered. Lord alone knows what the folks in the by now not-so-hot seat were thinking. It was probably something like this -

TV channel person: So, we think we could slip you into slot XYZ and sponsor program ABC...
Someone on our team: We must mention that we....well, we are like in a very competitive market...(snickering begins)....
Our team continues: ...We see ourselves, well, honestly..quite like Coke & Pesi (loud snickering all around)
TV channel team (looking confused by the snickering, and probably thinking "These startup people are so immature, but damn they have SO MUCH VC money"): Sure, sure, we will keep this in mind. Can we then get your entire TV budget?
Our team: That's some good stuff you're smoking. Why the heck would we wanna do that? (by this point, all on this side of the table are laughing and back-slapping).

Anyway, fortunately, everyone there was after OUR cheque-books, so I guess - no harm, no foul.

The final straw came with TV channel team #8. They had done a decent job pitching their growing channel, and we had explained the types of programs we want to associate with. We all seemed to be headed in the same direction until this happened.

H: So, I think we have explained that we would like to be associated with serious programming and nothing too frivolous. We are a small brand and need to be careful in protecting the overall brand image. What program would you recommend?
TV channel dude (looking very serious): I think the last 20 mins have helped me understand you well. I recommend you sponsor "Bikini babes", our progr.....
Our media buyer (busily pushing the guy out of the room): No fit, no fit here...
H (ripping up the dude's biz card): Hey, thats show biz. One minute you're in, the next you're out on your a$$. (I probably thought of myself as a casting director just after the last candidate had a royal goof-up)

Well, that pretty much summed up the day. Every major TV channel in India met us in the dingy conference room. Some were smart, some not so much. Some captivating, and some induced a snorefest.

The only thing that kept me sane on such a long day was my imagination. It reminded me that I need to be grateful. Grateful that my life truly is a cartoon strip. Everything has a tinge of humour and that allows me to laugh off days like this. Its just difficult sometimes to tell what really happened, and what part my mind conjured up!

Dawn of a new blog

Well, here goes...

After over a year blogging on Yahoo! 360, this will be my start on Blogger. I have blogged on this platform during our Europe trip back in 2004, so I cant wait to try some of the new innovations.

For those who wanna read my past blogs -

http://360.yahoo.com/vk.hari